Struggling to Speak

struggle-3There are days where I feel I can share anything and everything, but there are days I am so tight lipped and out of it I feel like a mute. A heaviness surrounds my senses and I can’t convey the way I feel to those that are closest to me.

It’s complicated. I hate it. One day I feel like I can take on the world. I’m criticized for not slowing down, but I can’t. I have so much time to make up. I have wasted so much time struggling to get a grip and get going. I have to keep moving or I will fall back into the heaviness that is my brain.

And the judgement will begin. I am no longer battling within myself but those who are supposed to be my people. The looks and the comments. The silent gestures and tones change from an instant. Of course it’s my fault and I’ll ask what is wrong.

And it’s the same thing.

“You’re being weird.”

“You act like you don’t want me to even be around you.”

“I make you miserable, and it shows by your sudden change of mood.”

I hear these weekly. I try to explain it’s not them, it’s me. But that is so cliche. No one believes that line. But I have nothing else to say. It truly is me and not them. I can’t help when I fall back into myself and my behaviour becomes cold. I’m aware of it. I’m working on fixing it. But they will never understand, they may passify me for that moment. But the cycle will begin again. And again. And…again.